It will worth any battles.
Sometimes, it needed so long to realizing that I have someone who loved me, who gave all of his love truly for me, who’s also think of me in their spare time, think of my feeling, who ever cried because he truly loved me. It’s my first timer to have a bf and he’s the one who taught me to feel many things towards love-life. Sometimes I didn’t noticed how every single battle or problems that we solved are one of the way that lead us to grow together. How many times I face myself being miserable, anger, and fragile and he saw all of those bad versions of me yet he still stayed until this moment. How many times I tried to open up the real side of me infront of him without fear of being judge.
Whenever I took a walk alone there’ll be appear some of the thoughts just to contemplating current situation of my own relationship with him. A moment just to remembering how he patiently facing entire versions of myself all this time, realizing the fact that sometimes our battles are worth to solved, how we both still wanna try to find the way to fix the problems even when it’s hard instead of let it pass then forget it. Realizing that I fucking have this type of ‘someone’ that is entrust his entire life to me. That I have this someone that also fight for me too. That sometimes I feel like how can I deserve someone like him? What do I ever did on the past?
It took so long for me because even right now I still can’t believe that I have ‘someone’ that pouring himself to me. That I have him who’s loving, caring, and thinking of me too everyday, when he had to think of himself. What he did to me keeps reminding that as long as we want to find the answer together and never forget to forgive each other, there will be tomorrow that better than this day. We still have tomorrow that we never know what it’d be like. We still have many days ahead that maybe one of them can be one of the day for us to embrace what we’ve did to each other, the day when we realised that our actions or words ever hurt each other yet deep down we both never meant to did it with intention.
I know that I had too many times of being mad to him only because simply things. Thus, those simple things are the most matter things for me. A matter thing doesn’t always have to be something big that we can’t bear, but it always should start with the simplest one. Cause when you appreciate those simple things that eventually matter, you’ll be easier to find out any kind of bigger things that will come around.
Sometimes when I expect less, turns out he gives me more. When I expect more, I should’ve anticipate myself that our own expectation can be a boomerang for us and it is not always will end up as what we wanted, cause after all thats not fully based on his fault. Its basically how we try to communicate it to them, no matter how simple it is, lets try our best to communicate it well without any fear of judgements. Because I did the same.. sometimes I struggle just to communicate it to him the reason over small things that made me upset because that fear of judgements still haunts me.
Having anxious attachment is truly tiring. But, I slowly learned to push right away those fear by believing him no matter what. That whatever I try to communicate to him was a valid feeling of myself and I can’t disagree with it. So, I let him to figure it out how was it from his pov so I can understand too by his pov. Eventho we have to struggle at first by understanding each other’s emotion, but it will work out. It will worth any battles. Beside communicate hows you feel to them, it also very matter that both of you can listen to what they want, what are they feelings towards the problems, and what their opinion towards it.
Me and my person, often hard to manage our own emotions whenever any scratch try to testing us. I am the person who has to explain everything that I feel n think in the first moment right after we realised that theres something that had to fix, I will talk about everything that I feel and I want to fix it as soon as possible, I pour everythin as honest as I can. Meanwhile him, he’s typical that has to cooling down his emotion first. He said its better in that way instead of he speaks when he’s not in the right mind. He said that if its happend then it has the possibilities that his words would affect me or hurt me. He won’t let it happend. I try to make it reasonable and understandable cus after all, its better to be like that, better than I have to feel hurt because of his words (eventho I knew he would never meant to say it). So, I try to learn to accept n understand his own method and so does him.
Sometimes I called us as ‘learner’, because despite our cherished moments, we still learned to anticipate that there’ll be one day when we hurt each other, when several problems will come without us knowing the timing for its to come. That both of us always learned something from each of the problems. Sometimes I called us as ‘lover’, because after every single battle that we fought, theres a moment after we fight that we realized how we still loving each other no matter what. Sometimes, I also called us as ‘partner in everything’ because I feel so comfortable to do anything when I’m with him, I feel so safe to do anything at least when I’m with him, I feel so connected whenever I do something together with him. He’s the one who I trust the most to share anything. I’m not even scared to shared n shown my flaws infront of him.
Loving our person isn’t only about their values, but also how to anticipate with any scratches that would come.
