September; so many things happened and i feel too much.

ailsya avriel
5 min readSep 29, 2023

September was supposed to be the month that i hard to describe even until this day it feels like i lack of words to write. lose any interest to post anything because i had to proccessed many things in my head currently that took me to overwhelmed. many things happened at the same time. start from several things that coloured me blue as a person, as a daughter and as a lover. but then theres also blessing things happened that made me realized that i deserved this whole damn life. after what i’ve been through a lot on the past, i deserved this biggest joy.

early September was very chaotic, isn’t it? i cried and crumbled many times. family and other stuffs that caused me feel like home isn’t home anymore. as a first daughter, it felt like i’ve been carrying this burdens for years. i never mentioned to anyone that it is very tiring, exhausting, and hard to be first daughter in one family. never appears before on my head realizing that i’m a first daughter of my 2 lil brothers was really a huge thing for me. i don’t know but sometimes i felt that burdens push me hard as the times goes by.

September.. was unexpectedly full of many new realizations of life. i found so many things that i didn’t realize on the past. after many questions hanging around back then, i can truly interminate the biggest war with myself that i’ve been doing for a year. embrace something that probably i won’t deserved. it was when my lecturer asked me to visit the campuss and turned out he came up with biggest news that i got a chance to get internship as TA (teacher assistant) for a month. that moment i shocked and thought i was probably dreaming by that unbelievable news.

that day my heart filled with mixed feelings. i was extremely happy and grateful also i got new realization for my life at the same time. my head seemed like they want to explode. ever since that, i realized that this is probably where’s my new journey start. my real journey of life. it’s been a year since my life was hanging by many questions towards what i’d deserve in this whole life. and then God gave me this biggest chance for me to get internship on my 3rd semester. twas really out of my expectation.. that time i realized tho that sometimes God’s plan works better than what we alr planned.

i noticed too that maybe this is where my life path should lead me to the future of me. what i thought i’d never deserve to get my dream major, turns out God have many reasons behind it and he proved it slowly by giving this opportunity to me. i thought that’s why i through so many failures even when i strive for it so bad. perhaps, God trust us by gave those failures because he believed that we could survived and learned so many things from that to found what actually we deserved. to found the better part of ourself that probably we’d never find if we didn’t experience it.

woah September.. i learned many new things that i’ve never learned before from my new kind of experience. honestly, i never had any experience at teaching. so when i started my first day as teacher assistant.. turned out i was kinda.. overwhelming. i didn’t expect that met so many new people and teaching could drained my energy so much. at first, doing both activities at the same time made me pretty uncomfortable. because i had to adapt for few days with new behaviour, new people, new circumstances.

it was quiet challenging though. i got so many new experiences of learning and also teaching. i understand that to be a teacher and teaching was never an easy job. knowing that there are so many type of students character that we have to understand it as well as a teacher was the hardest. to always be patient and never being mad to them when they made any mistakes. well, now slowly i’m a lil bit know where to put myself after 2 weeks of adaptation. next week will supposed to be my last week of my internship since it’s only for a month (sadly). but, hell yeah i got many lessons and experiences that i’d brought for the future me.

September, i feel so much. i wanna write so many things in my head and let other people know what i’m thinking about. but, sometimes as a person who’s struggle to explain what i want and what i feel, it ends up only build too many blank space. so i decided to use writing as my way to cope everything that i keep, appears, and also buzzing inside my head.

i had lots of times when i got overwhelmed by the things that i ought to written about yet i never found the proper words.

personally whenever i met new people or even someone who’s close to me, i really wanna know how other people would think of me. i wonder how their own impression of myself as a person. sometimes, i’m not confidently or being comfortable talk with some new people, when i talk i feel like i struggle with words, i feel like i lose any confident with what i’m saying to them.

but, this time i wanna say that September was very chaotic yet its truly meaningful for me. i got so many new things that i experienced around this month. September filled me with more of self-confident and also self-improvement. this month was the month when i read lots of articles that took me felt that it’s okay to validate our own feelings. when you’re miserable, when you’re sad, when you’re have nothing to do with yourself.

it’s okay for you to take a sit and let them be a part of yours. when you had no one who can validate those emotions, you have your own self to do it. you’re the one who knows better than anyone else how to get survive from your suffering, your pain, or your grief. you’re the matter part of your own journey. no one knows how does it feels to be you, how hard you’re trying, or how you fight with your silent battles.

September, thank you for being exist. i’d never found any answer towards my questions all these times. i’d never be this grateful for the life that i’ve chose. i’d never be this happier than before as a person who letting go my biggest dream. i’d never learned many new kind of things that i’d cherish forever.

September, thank you for kindly presented me many kind of feelings. i lack of words to write, but this month all i wanna say is i feel too much.

--

--

ailsya avriel

sometimes i write for people, sometimes i write for myself. reach me on ig @ailsyaavriel ^^