several things don’t always have any ways to be cope.

ailsya avriel
3 min readJun 12, 2024

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I did recognized what feelings that sometimes linger in my heart, fluttering in my mind. Those feelings have two types which they’re exist for some reasons and there are several of em that exist for no reasons. When we got emotionally attached by something, some parts of our body might responded with stressed, anxiety, and depressed. Many things can triggered our feelings or even our trauma that we didn’t realize how we try so hard to deny it, right? Instead of accept and let the pain or emotions building up inside you, you try so hard to deny it and won’t let them be close to you.

The fact is, that’s true and happened a lot to me too. I have this kind of anxiety whenever I had by a chance to saw my old pictures or memories. When I unintentionally saw it, it felt like something just hit me by sudden so hard. I feel kind of unlike to see it. I don’t know why, but theres some part of me that can’t accept the part of me that had changed. Sometimes I just can’t deal with how I’ve been changed a lot. I can’t deal with the weirdness of me. I keep wondering and wondering about what actually I am live for?

Those emotions, feelings, and thoughts that undescribeable were the biggest struggle that still created inner battles with myself. Because it’s not about you with anybody anymore, it’s about you and your fucking own self. It might would sounds better if we had those battles with other person that not us, but since this is you and yourself that what makes it feel so tiring and exhausting. Having inner battles with our own body is the worst thing, yet we most experienced it naturally by no reasons. I think maybe this is part of growing, part of adulting, part of how far you try to love yourself.

I do feel bad sometimes for living as I am, but then also comes up a moment when I am truly grateful for being born as me. There’s a day when I hate to see my old portrait on an old pictures or memories, but I believe there’s still small part of me who also proud of myself for through many things in life until this day. There’s a song that I dont wanna hear em anymore because I know how hurt the pain that still remarked in my heart, but I feel like I’ve missed to listen to it just because I missed cherishing moments. There’s a movie that I try to take a longest time to finish it because sometimes watching movie can also draining your energy and it’s okay.

Everything that have no reasons or undescribeable is very-very normal thing. Undescribeable emotions is part of ours too. Not every emotions or feelings supposed to have the name of it. Not every feelings and emotions has the specific way to be cope. Not every those undescribeable things are meant to be cope. Sometimes it just happened and linger for no reasons and believe that it’ll found the way to be cope by itself. But, not in an instant way.

It takes time, my dear. Just let it be, let them found the lead to be cope by themselves and take ur time for a while. It won’t last forever.

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ailsya avriel

sometimes i write for people, sometimes i write for myself. reach me on ig @ailsyaavriel ^^