this is me trying

ailsya avriel
3 min readApr 15, 2024


Wasn’t sure when the last time I was crying in my own special day. Crying and blaming myself for living the live like this. I’m pretty sure never been feeling like I’m the most pathetic and fragile in my birthday such as saddest girl in the world (I know I’m not). In 20th years ago, I born into this huge world that I would’ve known that could brought so many tears and joys in my life. Those happy times when I was younger, I might never knew that facing real life things are getting harder when you’re start stepping adulthood.

Last night before I went to sleep, I cried a lot like an idiot. Realize that how I finally came up into this 20’s era and I still don’t have idea what to do around this kind of age. I hate to blame myself for living the life like this. Sometimes, it felt like I’ve been doing something wrong for my own life. It felt like the burdens in my back keep heavier. I feel like I wanna get any change for my life..

In this special kind of day, I try to write something to get myself for feeling better. To entertain myself from things that made me sad. In my previous birthdays, I’ve always been that person who’s excited to wait my special day and feeling happy for it. But, today.. the feeling that left in mine is empty. It feels like I only have this body left around. I cried for the failures that I passed and moving on and for all the things that I’ve been thru a lot in the past.

It makes me think that I really have no idea what to do next or what I want to achieve for my big dream.. I kept losing the sparks in my body to achieve and being ambitious. Ever since last year, I just wanna let the universe take control of it and write the scenario.

Since I write this and everybody will know it, finally I can stepping into the phase when I don’t feel like I’m happy for my birthday, instead I can feel the burdens that I should face will getting bigger. This birthday, let me feel the way like I supposed to feel. Let me feel the depths of pain and sadness along in my body. Let me be this fragile in my special day. Because this day feel like ain’t other previous birthdays.

And for being appreciate to this tiny lil body that already live for 20th years.. Thank you for being at least the best version of yourself you’ve ever been. Thank you for still being grateful for any small things that you got despite all the tears that you’ve ever shed. Thank you for try to loving yourself as the best as you can. Thank you for being take care of your own body. Thank you for keep trying your best for any things that you ever done. Thank you for believing that life surely can be like this and always have more ups and downs ahead that you will face and you’re great for staying until this moment. And the fact you’d never know what’d coming next and what things you’d face in forward. You already did your best for your own life. Thank you for existing.

thank you for always doing anything on your best because remember that it’s your first life too. ♡

written on 8th of April 2024 (my 20th bday)

happy birthday to me ☆




ailsya avriel

sometimes i write for people, sometimes i write for myself. reach me on ig @ailsyaavriel ^^