what we thought it’d be the best for us wasn’t always be what we deserved.

ailsya avriel
6 min readNov 24, 2023
Pinterest

Living the life as someone who’s getting ready to step into 20s life was still unbelievable to me. It feels like you still cannot believe that you’re stepping into adulthood. By the age of 17th–19th y.o, you’ll realize many things that you’ve never experienced in your teens era. You’ll find out more specific type of people out there. You’ll find out more challenging things to try. You’ll find out many kind of realizations of life that you wouldn’t expect before. Many perspective that will changes your pov as a person who’s getting start to face adulting life.

Living as 19th y.o. girl and as a first daughter who’s still struggle to cope everything alone in this life that full of suprises makes me often get overwhelmed and confused. Therefore, I passed unforgettable experienced that I’ll keep forever in my heart as something that help me to changed my whole life as a person. How I cope with my problem, how I cope with my emotion, and how I cope with the grief. I learned a lot from those depressing experience that ever put me at my lowest point.

However, to think that we love at ‘doing something’ which is our favorite thing and being possible to do it doesn’t always make us easily get what we want in this life. Life is yet so much more than the definition itself. Life isn’t most about our control. Sometimes, life can be out of our control and it’s true. We want something, we strive for it, but in the end only fate that can determine it whether it’ll be deserve for us or not. That’s why we might get struggle to get what we want. So it does really make sense why life is full of surprises.

You fought for it desperately, yet fate didn’t give you any chance. Therefore, you may questioning your capability of something that actually your hobby or even your favorite thing to do. You’ll create many thoughts like “Do I really capable for this?”, “Do I deserve this?” or even “Why I didn’t deserve this thing?”. For me personally, those thoughts are the most terrifying in my head since it often put me at the situation when I really wanted to kill myself. Thinking how useless I am and uncapable to reach my biggest dream was really depressing.

Since I was in junior high school, I dreamed to be an english literature student. When I get the chance to try and strive for it, I failed for fifth times. And my inner self questioned “do i really deserve english literature in my whole life?”. Hundred times I asked God for the answer. I had to deal with the acceptance also the grief ever since that. But now here I am, full of relieves and grateful as a 3rd semester student of english education department after passing thru the huge war in my life.

Long short story, last year after I failed 3 times to get my dream major, I decided to chose this major as my backup option because I thought this is the only major that has similarity with english literature. Since the univ was also near from my town, I chose it without put any expectations. That time I only thought “at least i get into the college and the major that still be part of english cause english is my biggest purpose, remember that this is only backup option because I have to wait for next year to try again”, it was last year in August.

God give me many new chances from this major, I got so many experiences that turned out it really grows me the life that I live today. Got lots of challenges that I never experience before, won a competition that I’ve never expect it’d be possible for me to get, meeting native speaker, and now I got my first ever internship in my early semester. so, I thought God gave me those chances to open up my eyes that from this major turns out I can develop myself more and more. With the decision that I chose with less of expectation last year, I can grow as a person I am today.

We often put high expectation over something that we probably would deserved, but turns out it isn’t something that can be ours eventually. In other side, theres a thing that we never put any expectation of it, yet turns out it’s the one that come easily to us and be part of ours. You have no idea about it but you can realize that you’re growing slowly and develop more part of yourself because of that. Again, life is full of unexpected things. Say it so, because I felt how does it feels to letting go my own biggest dream.

By this time I wanna say that God really heard my question all this time. God might want to answer my question slowly by gave me chances that I wouldn’t get if I didn’t chose this major as my backup option that time.. now all I remembered was how scary those nights when I still had no idea with my own fate. Because I realized that I was too idealist that time.

For me, to think that we’re good at something that we passionate about didn’t close enough to make it easy to get something that we want in this life. Fate is the biggest thing that determines it. Other people are also the same like us. They’re struggle, they’re fighting for their life every each day, and so they have their own expectations of life that they want. God gives fate to us in a portion that we couldn’t ever expect. But, realized it or not that’s always be the best for us.

Theres always process behind every someone’s achievement. The long process that we through patiently to get what we deserved. Sometimes what we got wasn’t felt like its the best for us, yet God knew better than us. God knows what’s best, what’s better for us. its hard to find it out at the first time, but as slowly times goes by, it suddenly enough to make you understand why God didn’t give what we thought its the best thing.

One by one realizations that came to your life will slowly proven it. You’ll get it in the end why God have other plans that much way better than you think.

I have my personal song that I always listen to keep me sane and to keep me believe that everything’s always happened for a reason. Whenever I listen to this track, it gave me sum memories that I really wanted to burried, memories that I don’t wanna keep inside my heart. This remembering me of the times when i used to felt lack of trust, lack of love, lack of confident. The times when I used to cried everyday.. literally twas the most fragile part of me that controlling me.

Laila - Monita Tahalea

This song will forever owned the special place in my heart. This song that company my journey to heal from the grief, my journey to accept every life paths that God has given to me, my journey to be a better person. This song was the one that strengthen me because the lyrics are very… personal to me. that time it felt like I lose everything in my life.. I felt like no one is believe in me.. I felt like no one is seeing how fragile I am after thru those hard times..

But, this song exist to gave me more strength to live.. This song gave me more reasons to live more not only for today but also for tomorrow.. This song was the one who saw how many nights I spent to cry alone and shouted but still no one will hear that. This song makes me believe theres still a small reasons for us to live tomorrow.. Theres a reason why God puts us in the place where we thought we couldn’t survive it at first, but in the end God will always with us to proved that we can survive that hardest day in our life.

this song really makes me embrace myself more and the life-path that i owned right now.

So, one day I’ll go to this article and remember the time when I wrote this longest memorable personal experience that will forever be the biggest life impact of mine and realized that I can survived. It took me so long to speak up about this personal journey but now I’m already at the stage of “growing” from every each of experiences that I had. So, I hope everyone whoever experience the whole same thing will slowly embrace themselves ❤.

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ailsya avriel

sometimes i write for people, sometimes i write for myself. reach me on ig @ailsyaavriel ^^